29-3-2011 (take 2)

But its alright, you know, because really — i dont like them much anyway. If I’m honest with myself, I’ll just admit that I dont wanna be home for it. But it still hurts when you’re not in on the fun. But whatever. I’ll ask nab and bribe her with noodles. Maybe she’ll save my butt.

And really, its very childish of me to expect people to cancel their plans just because of me. I mean, who am I anyway? Just some sad little girl with an extreme concentration problem and unmanagable nails. And friends who arent really friends.

And yeah, so its churlyish of me to not bring the damn brushes — but thats me, that what I do: I’m either all in, or all out. I dont like the middle road, unless maybe its something to do with chocolate.
But if its my chocolate, hands off buddy. I’m an all-or-nothing kind of girl.

And yes, I mind. But I wont say anything because we’re not that close k I expect you not to go just cuz of me. Its my stupid mother who isnt giving me permission, not your fault at all. So go. Have fun. Revel in the perfect life you have, the perfect mom you have who lets you stay out till past ten at night.

Yes, my life is sad.

I wish I was annonymous.

If nab says no, I will cry. I swear I will cry. Hell, I’m crying right now anyway, so it doesnt make a difference anyway. I just need to get out of the bloody house. I cant stand my mother and sister a second longer. I dont even know how I’m still alive. If it werent for my cat, I’d have probably ran away by now.

God, I’m such a sad person.
Not in a sad-crying-depressed way. In the sad-pathetic-weird way.
*sigh*

***

HA. Forget father issues, i have mother issues. I dont even like my father, therefore I dont crave acceptance or that gleam in his eyes which means he’s proud of me. Nope. Dont want it. But mom? Shes a different story. I wish she’d accept me for who I am. It took me close to 15 years to find friends who like me for who I am, for me to like me for who I am, to become a strong person. But my mom? She’ll probably always say k she’s proud of me, and that I’m perfect the way i am, even when she’s not proud, and even when she doesnt think that way.

Nabb said yes. Hold on a minute. My eyes are blurring.

Okay, thats one problem out of the way. Now if only someone can pick and drop me. Which, with my luck, will never happen. And when Nabb says she wont be able to drop me off, I’ll tell you something then. Just wait for it.

So now I’m just sad. And annoyed. And theres this deep deep hurt inside, this emptiness thats making me depressed. Some of that might be because of hunger, but really.

***

NOTEXACTLYNORMALS 5 ‘BABY’ WAYS TO GET HAPPY/LESS SAD
1. Sleep. For a long time, without any breaks in between. It really does help. It takes the edge off misery, anger and almost any other negative emotion you’re feeling. The trick is to sleep in one long go.
2. Eat. Get that tummy full. People who have empty stomachs are usually cranky and on edge, no matter if they’re five or fifteen or forty.
3. Go to the bathroom. I’m serious. ‘Releive’ yourself, pun intended.
4. Cry. If you’re that depressed, let it out. It doesnt have to be infront of anyone. It could be just you, your pillow and a closed door.
5. Play. No work, not right now. Just do what makes you happy: Take a long walk, play computer games, bake a cake, write a story, or read one. As long as you’re not interacting with any other human being on this planet, you’re good to go. And take your time. We work so much these days, thats the main reason why everybodys so depressed.

These are the only things that I can think of right now that babies do. Because the one most common thing everybody has in common is that they were once babies, right? And that they all once slept, and cried, and ate, and played and pooped. And then they felt better and they were happy again. Until it started all over again.

You know what, I just realised something. Sims is a genius game. You have to balance your charachters needs throughout the whole game. Its life. Its a perfect way to study how to live in a balanced way.

***

Now theres this man outside my house, and hes begging people, the whole neighbourhood for food, and I feel so bad for him, and its stupid of me because I’m crying right now, knowing I cant do anything for him, because there is virtually no food in the house right now, except for raw meat and the stuff mom is cooking up right now. And we’re all muslims and we’re all brothers and sisters, and we’re all supposed to help people. If someone is poor and needy and even if he’s lying to get food, we should give him food, because hell, people, he’s hungry thats why he’s lying, just give him food, its not much to ask.

But i should just keep my big mouth shut because its not like I helped him or anything.

Moral question: If a person is lying, saying his kids are starving, saying hes starving, saying please give me food, please give me whatever you guys dont want to eat anymore, anything you’re gonna throw out, and someone tells you hes a professional at this, that hes lying about the kids and the hunger, and that he does this all the time, what would you do?
a) What?! He lied to get food?? No way is he getting anything from me.
b) He wasnt getting anything anyway, I dont give food to people to whom this is a job/profession. Hes not working hard for it, he doesnt deserve it.
c) I still feel bad for him, its just food he wants, and I have plenty to spare, so I’ll give it to him anyway.

For those of you who picked anything but option C, please get off my blog.

For those of you who chose C, stay. Your my type of people. He’s not going to SELL the frickin food, okay?? HES GOING TO EAT IT. EAT, you know, that crazy thing we do to not lay down at night to sleep, but cant because of the empty stomach thats driving us to tears?

I dont know whats wrong with me right now, this might be stress and only having done one thing out of the five steps to happiness thing. I’ve done the bathroom thing, and I’m currently still crying, so thats not done yet. And I’d really like some food, if thats not a problem.

Like it is for that poor, poor man whos gone now.

***

TYPICAL?!! OH, so this is something I do all the time?? And everybodys just so used to it?? EXPECTING IT, WERE YOU? Well, thats just fine. I’m never telling anybody ever again, anything.
Like, when i told twix about my top 3 problems (1: mom not letting me sleep; 2: not going with SMT; 3: the hungry man) he started consoling me on the SMT THING!! Can you beleive it?? Is it so hard to beleive I have a heart?? That I’d cry for a man with children with no money and no food?? Everybodys so quick to say I’m overemotional, but never can anyone think, awww, how corny, shes crying for a starved man because she doesnt have anything to give him. Yes, corny would be a compliment over here. Because it is wierd. And sort of corny. Or something. But whatever.

I am so tired of this. And I am so hungry.

Life likes giving me small pleasures, then takes away the big ones with which the small ones go too.

Maybe…maybe if i bake something, I could eat that right now. Maybe I could give a couple fo brownies to the starving man too. He’s probably getting saalans and naans — if hes getting anything at all — and maybe a brownie would cheer him up. And a couple for his kids and his wife. They shouldnt have to share a brownie. Brownies make people happy. Food makes people happy. Food. I used to have that stuff, I remember. It was good.

I think they stopped making it. Thats why Im starving right now. And if IM starving, the hungry man must be at his wits end. If he dies, God forbid, it’ll be all — okay, no, most — of my fault. I should’ve found something and given it to him. A bottle of water. OH GOD IM SO STUPID I COULDVE GIVEN HIM A BOTTLE OF WATER!! WATER!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!

I’m gonna go do something else for a while now. Sort of drained. Ish.

Bathroom? Check.
Crying? Check.
Hunger?
Sleep?
Play? On it. Reading Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie. Shes marvellous. You should read her stuff. If anyone wants the ebook, comment here and I’ll upload it. MTT isnt one my all-time faves, but its still very much Crusie. <33 My top faves (I think I’ve mentioned them before; oh, well. I’m rereading all of them, so my preferences are changing) are Agnes & the Hitman, Strange Bedpersons, Charlie All Night, Fast Women and A Cinderella Story. And I’m starving.

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About notexactlynormal

I have 17 blogs. Most of them have 5 posts or less.

Posted on March 30, 2011, in Night Rambles. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Discovered your blog through MAK’s. I like this post- the way it jumps around. You probably get what I mean 🙂
    Btw, I chose option C. My heart goes out to them all. I don’t care if they’re part of a mafia or whatever. It hurts when I can’t give anything.
    I clean my bathroom when I’m stressed or upset. It actually works. (I’ve had people laugh to my face when I say that cleaning a toilet is cathartic.)

    • 😀 Yeah, i do. I’m random and scatter-brained at my best times, and this was definitely not one of them.
      Yes, it does hurt. 😦 Alot. I feel like if i can give something, anything, then I might make their lives a bit better, if not much.
      My bathroom doesnt do it for me. 😀 I have to clean my whole room. Ufff, its like, finally, i can breath. 😛
      Thank you for commenting. 🙂

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