Its frustrating because one day I will have no friends left because of me being busy all the time now. People have to fight for attention from me. I’m unintentionally neglecting everyone like crazy, and I feel like such a bitch for doing so. But its not my fault life is demanding my 200% from me, and its certainly not my fault that I cant seem to balance everything. Another thing which is sadder is that when I have no friends left, and actually need them, they wont be there, obviously because I’d have alienated them by then. And my mother is a bitch entity in herself, whos very aim in life seems to be getting a kick out of taunting me and proving to me that I’m worthless and inferior to everyone on this planet. She’ll just stand there, at my door, looking at me, challenging me to say something so the dramatics can once more ensue. And then see me cry. I think she finds release in seeing me cry. Sadistic much, mommy?
Boyfriend of mine makes matters worse. He is so insistent for me to come back on skype, he wont stop texting me to come back on skype no matter what I say, no matter how I feel. He says he doesnt emotionally-blackmail me. Really? Then whats this: Text from boyfriend: Look. I care. If you care, come back online. Why can you not let me be for a while? Why do you have to be so selfish and so insistent and so BLOODY ANNOYING? Why cant you be a little mature and understand my needs and try to be loving and supportive and understanding? Why does it always have to be about you? Why cant it be about the fact that Ive had a shitty day, and tomorrow doesnt seem brighter, so PLEASE, atleast from your side let me be at peace?
Twix understood. He knew what to say to make me feel better. He was never annoying. He knew me. No one else will ever know me like he did. I miss being taken care of, not being worried all the time, knowing my head was resting on competent shoulders. I miss not having to worry about the future in terms of if we’ll end up together or not. You know, if he’ll leave me or something. I mean, yes, he did cheat on me, but he apologised. And then I was the one who broke it off in the end. It wasnt him. But with this dude, I just. We’re so volatile, so hot and cold. Sometimes I want to be with him, sometimes I wish I could break up with him as painlessly as possible and never see his face again (out of sight, out of mind).
I am surrounded by one selfish person too many.