Category Archives: Night Rambles
I used to be an avid reader. You could say oxygen came second to books. I inhaled books the way a shopaholic goes on a spree. As I grew older though, I got busy in other things, new things (photoshop, crochet, running a business, friends, cats, that sort of thing) and I went from an avid reader to someone with a strong penchant for books, but not enough time found to do the actual reading. I’d have a pile of books on a desk in the corner of the room, gathering dust. But the sight comforted me. I guess it was my way of anchoring myself to the world of the written word. Slightly in denial of having let go thus far, not willing to let go altogether; a way of staying connected with the wry hope that maybe I get the chance one day, the urge to pick up one of those unopened books, curl up in some corner of the house with a million soft pillows underneath, a plate of cookies and a drink of water nearby, and just lose myself in the magical sensation that only a reader can understand.
Another reason was because the stories, the books…they just weren’t what I wanted to read anymore. I didn’t want to read about a ditzy girl who does ‘awkward’ or ‘silly’ things, how she messes up her life but manages to get everything in the end, the house, the money, the guy, the career. Shopaholic comes to mind, and excuse me while I roll my eyes. Fifteen, I am not anymore. I wanted a book that would be real. That would be romantic, and funny, and serious, and real. But apparently, pandering to popular culture was what everything was about nowadays. More interest was lost.
The advent of ebooks did little to help, ironically. You’d think I’d be reading nonstop, what with the ease of having books available to you digitally. But the need to read books had ebbed and the digitization of it all didn’t promise the same sort of enchantment that a hard copy did. People wonder why I prefer books to movies – it is because when you read, when you immerse yourself into the story and the characters and the plot, you can see every tiny detail, every blink of an eye, hear every single sentence spoken, every word articulated in a tone and accent particular to different characters. It is so much better than watching a movie, so much more…gratifying.
I try now. It sad, but I actually have to try to read a book now. Force myself to start, to get into it. The first few pages are a struggle. But then, if I do manage to delve into its depths…oh, boy. The inexplicable joy.
Something happened a couple days ago. A friend recommended a book. She even sent me the ebook. I downloaded it, and it stayed in my Downloads folder for about a week. Then, I did the best thing that I’ve probably done in the three weeks of summer vacations I’ve done so far. Double clicked the icon, and settled in to read a bit, my laptop fully charged and functional.
Me Before You, Jojo Moyes.
And I thought Love Story was heartbreaking. The Fault In Our Stars has got nothing on this. Absolutely nothing. Not even a words worth of comparison can be made. Love Story? Maybe. Segal managed to have me crying in approximately 150 pages, so honorary mention for you. But Me Before You? Devastating. The force of a hurricane, the strength of the sea. So utterly, mind blowingly, heartbreakingly devastating. And the ironic bit is, you know what’s going to happen. You do, somewhere within the deep recesses of your mind, you know how its all going to play out. But, oh Lord, when it does.
Maybe I’m the percentage of over emotional readers, and maybe other people didn’t react so violently, but I did. I felt everything. That is what hurt the most, that is what reduced me to a pile of disgusting snot and salty tears. I clenched my jaw as hard as I could, I dug my nails deep into my skin until red angry marks appeared. I let out shrieks when I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. Reading this was one of the most painful things I have had to endure in my life. And that’s saying a lot, considering Indus drives you into the ground.
This is an uncliched story of love and life and living. Its frightening and devastating to go through what either of the characters went through, and its terrifying to imagine myself in either of those situations. All I wanna do right now is go back and reread it, cry some more, and try to write this word doc with everything that this book made me feel. I simply could not put it down. I took around five hours to read it, and it was impossible to put it down. Its tragic, and romantic, and its beautiful in a way only some books can translate to be. It…It was simply brilliant. Mind blowingly brilliant. Most genius thing I have read in too long of a time. And now I’m babbling praise incoherently.
But that is what this books does to you.
My sister, for some reason, gets really ticked off when I have a million tabs open. SO I just thought, lets save em here. 🙂
These are some tabs that I have to get around to checking out/reading, but havent yet.
^ really good baking+cooking blog. Check it out. 🙂
^ really good chocolate baking website. 🙂
And lookie there. I still have about 20 tabs open (no exaggeration) with my movies and graphics stuff. 😛
Facebook doesnt stand a chance. 😛
But its alright, you know, because really — i dont like them much anyway. If I’m honest with myself, I’ll just admit that I dont wanna be home for it. But it still hurts when you’re not in on the fun. But whatever. I’ll ask nab and bribe her with noodles. Maybe she’ll save my butt.
And really, its very childish of me to expect people to cancel their plans just because of me. I mean, who am I anyway? Just some sad little girl with an extreme concentration problem and unmanagable nails. And friends who arent really friends.
And yeah, so its churlyish of me to not bring the damn brushes — but thats me, that what I do: I’m either all in, or all out. I dont like the middle road, unless maybe its something to do with chocolate.
But if its my chocolate, hands off buddy. I’m an all-or-nothing kind of girl.
And yes, I mind. But I wont say anything because we’re not that close k I expect you not to go just cuz of me. Its my stupid mother who isnt giving me permission, not your fault at all. So go. Have fun. Revel in the perfect life you have, the perfect mom you have who lets you stay out till past ten at night.
Yes, my life is sad.
I wish I was annonymous.
If nab says no, I will cry. I swear I will cry. Hell, I’m crying right now anyway, so it doesnt make a difference anyway. I just need to get out of the bloody house. I cant stand my mother and sister a second longer. I dont even know how I’m still alive. If it werent for my cat, I’d have probably ran away by now.
God, I’m such a sad person.
Not in a sad-crying-depressed way. In the sad-pathetic-weird way.
HA. Forget father issues, i have mother issues. I dont even like my father, therefore I dont crave acceptance or that gleam in his eyes which means he’s proud of me. Nope. Dont want it. But mom? Shes a different story. I wish she’d accept me for who I am. It took me close to 15 years to find friends who like me for who I am, for me to like me for who I am, to become a strong person. But my mom? She’ll probably always say k she’s proud of me, and that I’m perfect the way i am, even when she’s not proud, and even when she doesnt think that way.
Nabb said yes. Hold on a minute. My eyes are blurring.
Okay, thats one problem out of the way. Now if only someone can pick and drop me. Which, with my luck, will never happen. And when Nabb says she wont be able to drop me off, I’ll tell you something then. Just wait for it.
So now I’m just sad. And annoyed. And theres this deep deep hurt inside, this emptiness thats making me depressed. Some of that might be because of hunger, but really.
NOTEXACTLYNORMALS 5 ‘BABY’ WAYS TO GET HAPPY/LESS SAD
1. Sleep. For a long time, without any breaks in between. It really does help. It takes the edge off misery, anger and almost any other negative emotion you’re feeling. The trick is to sleep in one long go.
2. Eat. Get that tummy full. People who have empty stomachs are usually cranky and on edge, no matter if they’re five or fifteen or forty.
3. Go to the bathroom. I’m serious. ‘Releive’ yourself, pun intended.
4. Cry. If you’re that depressed, let it out. It doesnt have to be infront of anyone. It could be just you, your pillow and a closed door.
5. Play. No work, not right now. Just do what makes you happy: Take a long walk, play computer games, bake a cake, write a story, or read one. As long as you’re not interacting with any other human being on this planet, you’re good to go. And take your time. We work so much these days, thats the main reason why everybodys so depressed.
These are the only things that I can think of right now that babies do. Because the one most common thing everybody has in common is that they were once babies, right? And that they all once slept, and cried, and ate, and played and pooped. And then they felt better and they were happy again. Until it started all over again.
You know what, I just realised something. Sims is a genius game. You have to balance your charachters needs throughout the whole game. Its life. Its a perfect way to study how to live in a balanced way.
Now theres this man outside my house, and hes begging people, the whole neighbourhood for food, and I feel so bad for him, and its stupid of me because I’m crying right now, knowing I cant do anything for him, because there is virtually no food in the house right now, except for raw meat and the stuff mom is cooking up right now. And we’re all muslims and we’re all brothers and sisters, and we’re all supposed to help people. If someone is poor and needy and even if he’s lying to get food, we should give him food, because hell, people, he’s hungry thats why he’s lying, just give him food, its not much to ask.
But i should just keep my big mouth shut because its not like I helped him or anything.
Moral question: If a person is lying, saying his kids are starving, saying hes starving, saying please give me food, please give me whatever you guys dont want to eat anymore, anything you’re gonna throw out, and someone tells you hes a professional at this, that hes lying about the kids and the hunger, and that he does this all the time, what would you do?
a) What?! He lied to get food?? No way is he getting anything from me.
b) He wasnt getting anything anyway, I dont give food to people to whom this is a job/profession. Hes not working hard for it, he doesnt deserve it.
c) I still feel bad for him, its just food he wants, and I have plenty to spare, so I’ll give it to him anyway.
For those of you who picked anything but option C, please get off my blog.
For those of you who chose C, stay. Your my type of people. He’s not going to SELL the frickin food, okay?? HES GOING TO EAT IT. EAT, you know, that crazy thing we do to not lay down at night to sleep, but cant because of the empty stomach thats driving us to tears?
I dont know whats wrong with me right now, this might be stress and only having done one thing out of the five steps to happiness thing. I’ve done the bathroom thing, and I’m currently still crying, so thats not done yet. And I’d really like some food, if thats not a problem.
Like it is for that poor, poor man whos gone now.
TYPICAL?!! OH, so this is something I do all the time?? And everybodys just so used to it?? EXPECTING IT, WERE YOU? Well, thats just fine. I’m never telling anybody ever again, anything.
Like, when i told twix about my top 3 problems (1: mom not letting me sleep; 2: not going with SMT; 3: the hungry man) he started consoling me on the SMT THING!! Can you beleive it?? Is it so hard to beleive I have a heart?? That I’d cry for a man with children with no money and no food?? Everybodys so quick to say I’m overemotional, but never can anyone think, awww, how corny, shes crying for a starved man because she doesnt have anything to give him. Yes, corny would be a compliment over here. Because it is wierd. And sort of corny. Or something. But whatever.
I am so tired of this. And I am so hungry.
Life likes giving me small pleasures, then takes away the big ones with which the small ones go too.
Maybe…maybe if i bake something, I could eat that right now. Maybe I could give a couple fo brownies to the starving man too. He’s probably getting saalans and naans — if hes getting anything at all — and maybe a brownie would cheer him up. And a couple for his kids and his wife. They shouldnt have to share a brownie. Brownies make people happy. Food makes people happy. Food. I used to have that stuff, I remember. It was good.
I think they stopped making it. Thats why Im starving right now. And if IM starving, the hungry man must be at his wits end. If he dies, God forbid, it’ll be all — okay, no, most — of my fault. I should’ve found something and given it to him. A bottle of water. OH GOD IM SO STUPID I COULDVE GIVEN HIM A BOTTLE OF WATER!! WATER!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!
I’m gonna go do something else for a while now. Sort of drained. Ish.
Play? On it. Reading Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie. Shes marvellous. You should read her stuff. If anyone wants the ebook, comment here and I’ll upload it. MTT isnt one my all-time faves, but its still very much Crusie. <33 My top faves (I think I’ve mentioned them before; oh, well. I’m rereading all of them, so my preferences are changing) are Agnes & the Hitman, Strange Bedpersons, Charlie All Night, Fast Women and A Cinderella Story. And I’m starving.
So its 12:11 AM, and the 22nd of the month of March has started.
The font I’m using right now, on Notepad is called ‘1942 report’ and it can be downloaded from Dafont.com, if anyones interested how it looks to me right now. Not that I expect anyone to be. Except for someone annoying and nosy.
Its all grungey, and horroryish.
And look at that — the electricity just went out.
I have a headache so I’m gonna keep this to the point, and short:
> went to phophos today. Got my uniform fitted a little. Next weekend, or actually, tomorrow or day after tomorrow, i’ll personally go and make her fitten it perfectly. Not too tight, but not loose like the parachute I wear everyday.
> i have a feeling “U” keeps feeding lies to “A” about me. Both are my cousins. I wish A would ask me to verify U’s claims. Because I know that half of them would be untrue. But theres little I can do except for right out asking him.
Which I might just do. After exams.
> Which reminds me — going to school tomorrow, and then to Fizahs house to study. I’m torn between doing economics or psychology. Although Psychology is relatively easy, its lengthy and peppered with lots of details.
Random thought: Why dont people say ‘salted with lots of details’? Huh.
And the thing with economics is that I’ve studied it in Olevels as well as Alevels more than I have my other two subjects. So I have a fairly decent grasp on it, except Alevel economics is much tougher. 😦 Hmm. Two past papers of economics, and a couple of studies of psychology — thats fine, right?
> I’m pretty sure that tortilla wraps and samosa making strips are 70-80% the same things. Which will be good for my tummys future.
> OH GOD I JUST REMEMBERED. I HAVENT DONE THE LATEST COMPUTING ASSIGNMENT, NOT TO MENTION THE LAST TWO/THREE/X (lost count).
> I really feel like writing a story thing right now. I actually dont feel the itch to do photoshop AT ALL right now. I forced myself, and came up with two coolish banners, but idk. There wasnt much pride or happiness in them.
Usually when I’m in my graphic making mood and I have photoshop on and my image pack folders open and I’m making a banner, I put everything *i am* in that moment into the graphic. Thats what makes each and every one of them so special to me,
After Ive saved it, and moved on to do other stuff like read a book, or eat something, or blah, my mind keeps revolving around the bit of awesomness I just created, and I keep goign back to my laptop and opening up my graphic and staring at it and smiling. This happens spontaneously throughout the day, whenever I get the urge to go look at my pretty.
When I force myself to make a graphic, I promptly forget about it the second I save it. Which is sad and should not happen. Every graphic should be appreciated and loved and adored and cherished and valued and praised and ooh-ed and ahh-ed at. Because its something I created with my time and effort and my brain and creativity and a chunk of my life. It demands attention.
So, in respect to my wonderful pixels of me (i know that didnt make sense, I’m really sleepy right now, so bear with me), I’m going to stop making graphics until the urge hits — convenient timing too. Mock exams start next monday, and all Ive done is one lousy past paper of economis, paper one at that (mcqs). So yeah.
Although I really feel like writing a story right now.
Which reminds me, I should totally update my stories on hpff. They’ve been ignored for too long.
Oh, and before I forget — theres this awesome blog with this awesome grungy theme by this dude known as ‘themakshter’. Weird name, yes, but hes poured out his heart into writing about his tragedy of a love life, to maybe, hopefully get it out of his system.
Its probably going to be filled with intense emotions, so for those who avoid that kind of thing, stay away.
WHICH REMINDS ME. A couple of people are going to totally die tomorrow. Leaf, at the top of my list. Not that I’m going to do anything. Just give him the silent treatment. Which wont really affect him much. *sigh* Heh, whatever.
My eyes burn. I shall retire now.
Goodmorning to all.
–Its 12:39 AM!! What did you expect, goodnight?! My weirdness knows no bounds. :3 I’m TOTALLY changing this theme soon. And making a graphic header for my blog. <33 —