So I’ve made some changes to this blog, if I had any followers, they would have noticed by now.
Privatized stuff, password-protected some others, edited the rest. I have friends who stalk me to death, this one guy in particular. So when he finds this, it’ll be like finding the Holy Grail for him. He will have enough material to embarass me for a very long time. And I dont want that.
So here we have it.
I am such an anticlimax.
I used to be an avid reader. You could say oxygen came second to books. I inhaled books the way a shopaholic goes on a spree. As I grew older though, I got busy in other things, new things (photoshop, crochet, running a business, friends, cats, that sort of thing) and I went from an avid reader to someone with a strong penchant for books, but not enough time found to do the actual reading. I’d have a pile of books on a desk in the corner of the room, gathering dust. But the sight comforted me. I guess it was my way of anchoring myself to the world of the written word. Slightly in denial of having let go thus far, not willing to let go altogether; a way of staying connected with the wry hope that maybe I get the chance one day, the urge to pick up one of those unopened books, curl up in some corner of the house with a million soft pillows underneath, a plate of cookies and a drink of water nearby, and just lose myself in the magical sensation that only a reader can understand.
Another reason was because the stories, the books…they just weren’t what I wanted to read anymore. I didn’t want to read about a ditzy girl who does ‘awkward’ or ‘silly’ things, how she messes up her life but manages to get everything in the end, the house, the money, the guy, the career. Shopaholic comes to mind, and excuse me while I roll my eyes. Fifteen, I am not anymore. I wanted a book that would be real. That would be romantic, and funny, and serious, and real. But apparently, pandering to popular culture was what everything was about nowadays. More interest was lost.
The advent of ebooks did little to help, ironically. You’d think I’d be reading nonstop, what with the ease of having books available to you digitally. But the need to read books had ebbed and the digitization of it all didn’t promise the same sort of enchantment that a hard copy did. People wonder why I prefer books to movies – it is because when you read, when you immerse yourself into the story and the characters and the plot, you can see every tiny detail, every blink of an eye, hear every single sentence spoken, every word articulated in a tone and accent particular to different characters. It is so much better than watching a movie, so much more…gratifying.
I try now. It sad, but I actually have to try to read a book now. Force myself to start, to get into it. The first few pages are a struggle. But then, if I do manage to delve into its depths…oh, boy. The inexplicable joy.
Something happened a couple days ago. A friend recommended a book. She even sent me the ebook. I downloaded it, and it stayed in my Downloads folder for about a week. Then, I did the best thing that I’ve probably done in the three weeks of summer vacations I’ve done so far. Double clicked the icon, and settled in to read a bit, my laptop fully charged and functional.
Me Before You, Jojo Moyes.
And I thought Love Story was heartbreaking. The Fault In Our Stars has got nothing on this. Absolutely nothing. Not even a words worth of comparison can be made. Love Story? Maybe. Segal managed to have me crying in approximately 150 pages, so honorary mention for you. But Me Before You? Devastating. The force of a hurricane, the strength of the sea. So utterly, mind blowingly, heartbreakingly devastating. And the ironic bit is, you know what’s going to happen. You do, somewhere within the deep recesses of your mind, you know how its all going to play out. But, oh Lord, when it does.
Maybe I’m the percentage of over emotional readers, and maybe other people didn’t react so violently, but I did. I felt everything. That is what hurt the most, that is what reduced me to a pile of disgusting snot and salty tears. I clenched my jaw as hard as I could, I dug my nails deep into my skin until red angry marks appeared. I let out shrieks when I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. Reading this was one of the most painful things I have had to endure in my life. And that’s saying a lot, considering Indus drives you into the ground.
This is an uncliched story of love and life and living. Its frightening and devastating to go through what either of the characters went through, and its terrifying to imagine myself in either of those situations. All I wanna do right now is go back and reread it, cry some more, and try to write this word doc with everything that this book made me feel. I simply could not put it down. I took around five hours to read it, and it was impossible to put it down. Its tragic, and romantic, and its beautiful in a way only some books can translate to be. It…It was simply brilliant. Mind blowingly brilliant. Most genius thing I have read in too long of a time. And now I’m babbling praise incoherently.
But that is what this books does to you.
“Don’t fall in love with people like me.
i will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
i will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible.
And when i leave
you will finally understand,
why storms are named after people.”
There is so much you want to do in a day, in a lifetime, but you just cant find the time. Opportunity cost comes in here and you’re forced to make value judgements. Here are a couple of things that I want to do. Right now.
1. Learn the art of screenprinting:
So I can design and print and sell my own shirts.
2. Learn embroidery:
There are some really pretty patterns and designs out there. I’d like to learn how to do that. Then when I design t-shirts or even kameezes, I can embroider a floral motif or something of the sort on there.
And then, of course, charge more.
3. Learn Illustrator:
Been meaning to do this one for a while now. If I learn Illustrator, I can make vector shirts so much an easier concept for myself.
4. Learn ceramic dough making:
Why else? To make more money. Make flowers, add them to bangles or earrings, VIOLA! Instant money making products. :3
I also have to learn knitting because there are only so many patterns you can make with crochet. Some really pretty patterns I cant make because I dont know how to knit. 😦
Must remedy all this!
There are a few people in life that are hard to come by, but when they come by at all, you can tip your hat and thank life, because those people are people that everyone needs in their life, but does not know it.
My best friend is that sort of person.
She is caring, and kind, and funny, and witty, and smart. She is creative and innovative and supportive and understanding, and she is beautiful. She is the kind of person who would hold your hand after a bad break up, the kind of person who would hug you tight, telling you it will all be alright. She is the kind of person who will then track down your ex-boyfriend and clobber him to death for hurting you. She is the kind of person who you can be yourself with, the kind of person you do not have to pretend around, the kind of person who will embrace all of your quirks because she herself has so many of them.
She is the kind of person who is different, unique, not because she aspires to be, but because she just is. She likes KPOP in a world where diversity is to be made fun of. She is the kind of person who holds her head high, stares people dead in the eye, and dares them to make fun of her to her face. She is the kind of person who’s head will still be raised even if they have the gall to mock her.
My best friend, she is a taurian. And like other taurians, she will sit through an episode of emotions and hyperactivity, of laughter that transforms into tears, of topics such as boys and cheese and universities in the same paragraph, with seemingly no link to bind them.
The taurus is determined, and she is too. Determinedly and confidently doing what she has to do, being a role model and leader to everyone around her. Everyone knows her, and those who dont — well, no one knows them either.
She can be a bit zany, but thats what makes her so much more colorful. It balances her out. Her mind is her most powerful weapon, and she makes amazing use of it. She will be the one making newspaper headlines, guest starring on tv shows, standing for president.
My best friend is the kind of person who will eat noodles with me on the school bus, ignoring the looks we receive. She is the kind of person who will explore the outter bounds of school with you, video taping the entire experience. She is the kind of person who will force you to do the right thing, no matter how much you don’t want to.
A lot changes in life. Your engagement breaks off, your car gets stolen, your dog dies — but one thing does not change (unless you do something really, really, really stupid that is totally unforgivable) and that is knowing that when you run away, your best friend will run after you no matter how far you run, no matter where you hide. They’ll smell you out, they know you so well. You can depend on them, and you can rely on them, and you know that no matter how bad it gets (with the exception of the really, really, really stupid things one might do) they will always be there to look you in the eye and say, “Cee, it’s okay. Get over it already. You’re better than that.”
Yes, she is my best friend. And the best part is that despite having done the really, really, really stupid thing? She’s still mine.
Sometimes I want to call him up and talk to him. See how he is. How hes doing. If he still remembers who I am, who we were, what we lost. I wonder if he ever misses me like I sometimes miss him. I wonder if he ever regrets anything, if he ever thinks ‘what if?’. I wonder if he wonders what we would be right now if everything didnt go down like it did.
There are certain songs that trigger memories so strong and so powerful that it shatters me, shakes the very core of who I am, leaving me to pick up the peices of my broken heart all over again.
Here Without You. This Girl. Love The Way You Lie. To name a few.
It hurts in doses. Not all at once. For the first few months, it was like nothing even ever happened. But now life seems empty sometimes. Your first love is important. Your first love changes you, your perceptions of the world, of love itself. Your first love is unforgettable.
Your first love was novel. A new experience, from A to Z. Everything. New. Feelings. Emotions. Winks. Smiles. Laughter. Tears. Crying on his shoulder. Texting at all times. Sharing secrets. Exchanging passwords. Theres connection. Theres passion and excitement and exhilaration that wasnt there before. And its all shared with one other special person who is going through the exact thing you are, who can understand better than anyone what you’re feeling. You feel on top of the world. Like you can do anything as long as they’re by your side. And then after you’ve said what you needed to say and done what you needed to do, you both can grow old together, sharing secret gestures in a room full of people and understanding them, looking back at old memories, laughing about them, teasing each other, knowing even during fights that you’ll always have each others back.
Its always sad how first loves barely work out. Because first loves are usually the most pure. Afterwards, everything is jaded, been there done that, somehow a little less special.
Its not enough.
It will never be enough.
Its frustrating because one day I will have no friends left because of me being busy all the time now. People have to fight for attention from me. I’m unintentionally neglecting everyone like crazy, and I feel like such a bitch for doing so. But its not my fault life is demanding my 200% from me, and its certainly not my fault that I cant seem to balance everything. Another thing which is sadder is that when I have no friends left, and actually need them, they wont be there, obviously because I’d have alienated them by then. And my mother is a bitch entity in herself, whos very aim in life seems to be getting a kick out of taunting me and proving to me that I’m worthless and inferior to everyone on this planet. She’ll just stand there, at my door, looking at me, challenging me to say something so the dramatics can once more ensue. And then see me cry. I think she finds release in seeing me cry. Sadistic much, mommy?
Boyfriend of mine makes matters worse. He is so insistent for me to come back on skype, he wont stop texting me to come back on skype no matter what I say, no matter how I feel. He says he doesnt emotionally-blackmail me. Really? Then whats this: Text from boyfriend: Look. I care. If you care, come back online. Why can you not let me be for a while? Why do you have to be so selfish and so insistent and so BLOODY ANNOYING? Why cant you be a little mature and understand my needs and try to be loving and supportive and understanding? Why does it always have to be about you? Why cant it be about the fact that Ive had a shitty day, and tomorrow doesnt seem brighter, so PLEASE, atleast from your side let me be at peace?
Twix understood. He knew what to say to make me feel better. He was never annoying. He knew me. No one else will ever know me like he did. I miss being taken care of, not being worried all the time, knowing my head was resting on competent shoulders. I miss not having to worry about the future in terms of if we’ll end up together or not. You know, if he’ll leave me or something. I mean, yes, he did cheat on me, but he apologised. And then I was the one who broke it off in the end. It wasnt him. But with this dude, I just. We’re so volatile, so hot and cold. Sometimes I want to be with him, sometimes I wish I could break up with him as painlessly as possible and never see his face again (out of sight, out of mind).
I am surrounded by one selfish person too many.
- Fruits and berries, the more colour the better
- Vegetables and root vegetables, both fresh and cooked
- Potatoes, cooked or oven baked
- Fat fish like Salmon, Rainbow Trout, Mackerel, Herring, Baltic Herring, Sardine, Anchovy
- Whole gout or whole grain
- Nuts and dark chocolate (minimum 70% Cocoa)
- Coffee or tea, especially when you are tired
- Omega-3 rich food, like Walnuts, Linseed and green leaf vegetables.
Avoid these food:
- Diet drinks and other food that contains artificial sweetener. It doesn’t give you any boost just a bigger urge for more sweet
- Glutamate (E620-E640), can cause headache
- Large amount of saturated fat from dairy food and meat
- Trans fat, can be found in fast food, confectionery cakes, snacks
- Pure sugar and sweet food, especially sweet drinks
The guy I reffered to as my boyfriend?
Yeah, that was me being a troll.
Since hes not a guy, therefore, not my boyfriend.